Bleck and Suck

So for the 48 millionth time, I've started running again.

I quit running just after my last blog on here because the pain in my feet was getting so bad I didn't dare run at all til tonight. When I went to bed my feet hurt, when I got up they hurt just as bad, and during the day they hurt worse because I was on them all the time. If I didn't have plantar fasciitis before, I do now. So in the interest of not having to have my feet amputated or operated on in some fashion, I'm sad to say I've quit wearing my Fivefingers for the time being. I'm even sadder to say that it has helped my feet NOT to wear them. My feet still hurt of course... more during work of course because I'm on them and the shoes I wear are worn out in a bad way, but at least I can walk to work now. Thats about a mile give or take just a tad. And I can walk back too so considering walking around is what I do during work I think I'm doing pretty well. And thank God the pain when I wake up and first step on them has just about cut in half. I hate that all this amounts to not running. I've just been feeling so fat and gross lately. My attitude has been pretty good about all this though so there's some good news at least.

Tonight however, I couldn't stand it any more. I've been wanting to run, and started reading "Born to Run" for the 2nd time and that exacerbated things even more so I decided to do just a short run. You know. Breathe heavy for a bit cuz I'm out of shape, then shower and go to bed.

I gotta say it didn't go terribly well. My body was willing to go and do and was surprisingly able to (it felt like) resume almost normal distance even considering its been a month or so. My mind however was not in it. I tried to run without thinking. Just run. Let your feet do the talking. That worked for about .5 seconds, and after that the run was pretty much over. I was just over a block from my house and the run was over. No enjoyment, no relaxation. No feeling of contentment when the run was over, or an almost certainty of actually going to sleep quickly (for me) once I got back.

It's amazing how one little piece of information-incomplete though it is-can ruin everything. I'm a night person. My body operates in the wee hours of the morning. That's what it's always done. Thus I run at night. I LOVE to run at night. Everything is quiet and peaceful and no one is about. The entire world is different. I find a strange beauty in the parking lot lights of car dealerships. All the cars perfectly parked, waiting to be picked up; the cleanliness of the parking lot itself due to the lack of people... it sounds stupid when you say it, but it's why I love to walk on main street at night. It's not where I run, but it's something I love about the night.

But when the thought occurs to you that a body was found 2 blocks from your house, everything changes. The night is no longer beautiful. Suddenly every shadow is a danger spot. Every rustling bush is a ghost or some sort of demon laying in wait to have at you. Every dark area between street lights is an ambush where someone is waiting to murder you. It makes me sad. I don't even know if the body that was found WAS a murder or if it was a suicide or accidental death or what. Yet the night is ruined. Even though I took my dog with me. Don't hold me to this, but I'm pretty sure I've gone on the last of my midnight runs. I guess I'll have to start finding beauty in the day or something lol.

I do want to run. I want to lose this stupid gut once and for all, I want to get so damn addicted to running that I have to have my daily run or I can't function. I want to get my body in shape so my mind will follow suit. I want to have a sense of self for once.

I still need to find some sort of winter footwear that is waterproof. Turns out the Fivefinger Flows are NOT waterproof so for now I'm looking for alternatives. Who knows in the end though. I may just end up getting them and then only running on the days the roads are some kind of clear.

Alright that's it for now. I'm reading one more chapter of Born to Run and then I'm putting me and my fat gut to bed. Hopefully my running will continue. Maybe even with the Lady Disdain but I'm not counting on anything.